What Can Make Golfers Walk Off The Golf Course

You may not be surprised to learn that I love golf. But, like most of you, there have been times when I have walked off the course. It takes a lot to make me give up the ghost but I am sure you will relate to most of the following.

The Weather

I remember playing with a society at Stoke by Nayland. 

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When we started out there was not a cloud in the sky. There was no wind. The forecast was excellent. So off we went. I had even removed my waterproofs from my bag. As the round progressed we became aware that the sky was changing. First it turned grey. And then it turned black. Pitch black. 

And the rain came hammering down. Accompanied by thunder and lightning. The worst lightning I have ever experienced on a golf course. As we stood sheltering in the trees I recalled Lee Trevino nearly losing his life when being struck by lightning. I also realised that we were all standing under the trees holding steel-tipped umbrellas. I gave the group the benefit of my advice, the umbrellas went down and we legged it back to the clubhouse. We were dripping wet when we got there, but at least we were all still in one piece!

Winter golf is always a challenge. Biting cold wind, rain, frost. Keeping yourself warm in such conditions is crucial. I recall playing in a fourball on a January morning. The fairways were covered in frost and were rock-hard and the wind was blowing at around 30-35mph. It was like being hit by a knife. We stumbled around for nine holes and as we walked off the ninth, with the sanctuary of the clubhouse in sight, I asked: "Lads, is anybody actually enjoying this?" Suffice to say that five minutes later we were all drinking piping hot coffee in said clubhouse.

We all love playing under a cloudless sky with the sun shining. But there are times when that can go wrong too. I was playing in Portugal, teeing off just after midday on a glorious July day. The course was in pristine condition and at that time of day I just about had it to myself. I made two crucial mistakes that day. The first was saying no when offered the option of hiring a buggy. Back then I used to carry my clubs in a tournament bag. My second mistake? Reaching into my golf bag on the fourth hole and realising that I had left my bottle of ice-cold water back at my hotel. A serious schoolboy error. I managed to get through 14 holes, by which time I was just about on my knees and decided to give up. I have NEVER been so thirsty in my entire life.

Slow Play

My views on slow play are well recorded. I do not think there is any excuse for a five-hour round, but it is something I am increasingly learning to live with. However, there has been more than one occasion where it has simply been too much for me. Earlier this year I was playing at a resort course near Norwich on a pleasant spring day. Now the problem with any course attached to a hotel is, well, the hotel guests, many of whom are absolutely clueless when it comes to etiquette. We had endured eight holes, which had taken us the thick end of three hours so play. The final straw came when we arrived on the ninth tee, where a three ball were waiting to play. They apologised for the funereal pace of play and then pointed to the reason why - ahead of them was a FIVE-ball, two of whom were wearing jeans and had quite clearly never been near a proper golf course. And so we walked off. After eight holes!

Clothing Malfunction

Playing the Eden Course at St Andrews in my early 20s, I was wearing a rather fetching pair of red trousers I had just purchased from one of the many golf shops in the town. Let’s just say that they were a trifle snug. On the 14th green I bent down to mark my ball when I heard a huge ripping sound. My brand new trousers had given up the ghost, splitting in the rear from the belt area all the way round to my flies. And that was the end of that round.

Course Conditions

I play golf in most weather conditions. I know how to keep warm and today’s waterproofs do exactly what they say on the tin. When I was in my mid-20s myself and two friends were looking for a course to join in the Leicester area. One course which shall remain nameless offered us a free round. Before we went out the pro warned us that we may find it a bit damp underfoot. A bit damp? After I lost my fourth golf ball in the middle of the 10th fairway we all looked at one another and decided that enough was enough. 

Injury

Injury has forced me to abandon a few rounds of golf - and I have also played with several individuals who have had to give up for the same reason. But check this one out…we are currently running a mixed pairs knockout competition. During a first-round match, at the eighth hole one of the male players announced that he couldn’t go on because he’d put his back out. And off he went. The other pair asked the remaining lady if she wanted to concede the match. What? Not a bit of it. And she took them on single-handed - losing only on the 20th hole!

Temper Tantrum

Since returning to this wonderful sport of ours after five years on the sidelines, my attitude has changed completely. I now count my blessings every time I stand on the first tee and really do not care how well - or poorly - I play. Naturally, I want to play my best but that doesn’t always happen. I have now learnt to take the rough with the smooth. But it wasn’t always that way…

When I was 14 or 15 my father ordered me off the course after I wrapped a three-wood around a tree in temper. On the first hole! There was another occasion at Loughborough, on a glorious summer’s day, when I was playing with three friends. I started off superbly but, from nowhere, developed a dose of the shanks. And I grew angrier and angrier. After it happened on the 12th hole - for the umpteenth time - I put my bag over my shoulder and headed to the clubhouse. Without saying a word to my playing partners. Oh, and we were playing another 18 holes in the afternoon.

I have also been on the receiving end of such treatment. Playing with my ex-brother-in-law at the municipal course in Southport, we stood on the 18th tee and I looked at his card and informed him that he’d had nothing worse than a five all day. He promptly hooked his drive out of bounds, threw his driver in the air, picked up his clubs and stormed off down the fairway. I waited for him to get out of the way and then hit my own drive. I also retrieved his driver from a nearby tree. I parred the hole and then headed to car park to look for him as he was giving me a lift home. Guess what? He had driven off. I had to phone my wife and ask her to come and get me.

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