12 Things That Would Make Your Golf Club Perfect

By: Derek Clements | Thu 18 Jan 2024

As spring approaches and we get the chance to get out there and play more golf, some of us may be drawing up wish lists for what we hope to see at their golf clubs in 2024 - all the more so as subscription renewals start to drop through our letterboxes or pop into our in-boxes.

Here are a few of the things (a few somewhat tongue in cheek) that you might be hoping for in the months that lie ahead.

Subscription

A letter or email that tells you there will be no increase in 2024 because the club wants to reward your loyalty.

Failing that, a letter that outlines each and every reason why your subscription has increased, and an invitation to come in for a chat if you are unhappy about the level of the rise.

You also get a letter telling you that the club has decided to do away with joining fees and tells you that for every new member you introduce you will receive a voucher for £25.

You are told that as the course was closed for a total of 30 days because of bad weather last year, you will be receiving a refund (OK, I accept that we are now entering the realms of fantasy golf here, but we all live in hope).

Loyalty Bonus

Your club tells you that because you have been a member for 10 years they are going to give you a card with £50 to spend in the pro’s shop or behind the bar as a thank you.

You get a letter telling you that the club really appreciates your support and wants to reward you by giving you six free tee-times for you to give to your friends. You think this is a good idea because you know that if you can get some of them to your course they might just be so impressed that they will also join.

Smiling Faces

You walk into the bar after your round and, lo and behold, the steward has finally a) remembered your name, b) knows what you want to drink before you order it and c) serves you with a smile and engages you in conversation. You are staggered because up until this point he has done nothing other than grunt at you and has seemingly gone out of his way not to call you by your name even though you know full well that he is aware of it.

You walk into the pro's shop to pick up your scorecard and are greeted with a cheery ‘Good morning.” He then goes into great detail to tell you about the work that is going on around the course and tells you about the special offer he has just introduced on lessons. Oh yes, and he happily tells you he is having a sale, which will see clubs, clothing, bags and golf balls all reduced to the same price you would expect to see when you visit American Golf. Again, you are utterly speechless because all you usually get is a grunt.

Course Maintenance

You are informed that a wide-scale maintenance programme will include filling all bunkers with proper sand, rather than the builder’s sand you have struggled to escape from since the day you joined. They are going construct proper winter tees, rather than sticking a mat in the middle of the fairway (on a downslope) and the greenkeeper is using part of his budget to prepare proper winter greens, rather than sticking a cup in the fairway beside the green. The fairways and greens are beautifully prepared, new drainage is being installed so the course will never flood again. And the rough will be graded. Best of all, they are going to finally put rakes in every bunker!

The Perfect Golf Club

Halfway House

You are told that there is going to be a halfway house and it will be open all year round. During the winter it will serve piping hot tea and coffee and bacon butties. And you can phone ahead with your order.

Changing Rooms

Stands back in amazement - they are finally going to make lockers available. For a nominal charge. They are also finally going to fix the showers so that there is actual hot water - and, blow me down, they are going to provide fluffy towels.

Visitor Policy

Visitors are made welcome - and they are not charged a fortune for the privilege of playing on your golf course. And they get a voucher that means they receive a discount if they come back.

Car Park

You turn up to play and, as if by magic, all the pot holes have finally been repaired and the parking spaces are clearly marked out.

Driving Range

What has effectively been little more than a field suddenly has targets, with distances clearly marked. The mats that nearly broke your wrists every time you hit an iron have been replaced with state-of-the-art mats and you pour your golf balls in and after you have hit a shot the next ball is automatically delivered on a tee. And they have replaced those lumps of stone with something that looks and feels like a proper golf ball.

Practice Green

The practice green is exactly the same as the putting surfaces on the course and has some actual slopes and borrows.

Trolleys

They have finally got rid of those museum pieces and replaced them with modern trolleys - and don’t charge an arm and a leg to hire them.

Course Marshall

YES! They have finally employed somebody whose job it is to tour the course and “encourage” a quicker pace of play and urge slower groups to let the golfers behind play through.