Golf Jokes and Stories for Comic Relief

By: Golfshake Editor | Wed 22 Mar 2017

Post by Sports Writer Derek Clements

NO MATTER how hard you try, you will not be able to escape from the fact that today (March 24) is Comic Relief Day. It's the day when people walk around wearing red noses, it's the day when otherwise utterly sane individuals do totally insane things to raise money for what is, after all, a truly worthwhile cause.

And it's day when you find yourself compelled to sit in front of your TV set and watch a marathon that in parts will be very funny, in parts will be incredibly moving and in parts will be dreadful. We thought that the most apt way to celebrate was by sharing some golf-related jokes, some funny, some awful.

So here we go...

Jesus and Rory McIlroy are playing golf. It's Rory's turn to tee off, and he does so on a long par five. It's a great drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. Jesus then steps up to tee off, and also hits a great shot, but it's not anywhere near as close as McIlroy's first shot.

Just as the ball comes to a stop, a rabbit pops out of its hole, grabs Jesus' ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can get even 20 yards, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the rabbit in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the ball, eagle, and rabbit get above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vapourises the eagle and the rabbit. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus looks up and says, "Dad! Please! I'd rather do it myself."

A keen but unskilled golfer plays the same course every week, and has particular trouble with the water hazard on the 14th hole, losing a ball in it almost every time he plays that hole. One day he concludes that this process is too expensive and decides to use an old ball instead of a good one. He opens his bag and gets out the old ball, tees it up and addresses it. Just as he commences his backswing a mighty voice comes from on high:

“USE THE NEW BALL...”

So he picks up the old ball and tees up the new one again. He starts his backswing but once again is interrupted by a voice from the sky:

“TAKE A PRACTICE SWING...”

The man steps away from the ball and rehearses his swing. Just as he steps forward to readdress the ball, the voice speaks again:

“USE THE OLD BALL.”

Golfer: “Are there golf courses in Heaven?”

Fortune Teller: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

Golfer: "What's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning

The only reason I play golf is to annoy my wife - she thinks I am having a good time

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole, and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.

She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt! It was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife looked over at her husband and smiled and said: "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He takes a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get it?"

Ralph replies, "I found it."

Fred was moderately accomplished club golfer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. His golf, personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his game turned really sour he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure and allow your swing to work again is to remove the testicles.”

Fred was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but then figured at least he could play reasonable golf again. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, swing free, and live a new life. He went to the club for a drink and as he walked past the Pro shop thought, "That's what I need: a new outfit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like some new golf trousers." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Fred laughed, "That's right, how did you know?“ ”It's my job." Fred tried on the trousers, they fitted perfectly. As Fred admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt, I've got some great new stock."

Fred thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . ." . The salesman eyed Fred and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16-inch neck." Fred was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?“ ”It's my job." Fred tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. As Fred adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes, we just got new stock with soft spikes" Fred was on a roll and agreed. The salesman said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide."

Fred was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?“ ”It's my job." Fred tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Fred walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Fred said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Fred's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Fred was really impressed, "That's right, how did you know?“ ”It's my job."

The hat fitted perfectly. Fred was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear, got some great new imported stock." Fred thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "The salesman stepped back, eyed Fred's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Fred laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 - every time you swing it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."