
The Types of Golfer You Play With During The Winter
As you will probably know, I play golf 12 months of the year - and that means having to endure everything that winter throws at us.
I play in wind and rain, I play when there is frost on the ground, the fairways are rock hard and approach shots hit the green and leap 100 feet on the air and end up in places on the course I never knew existed.
I am not alone - lots of other club golfers make the effort to play all year. And boy do you see some sights on the course at this time of year.
Here are a few of the characters:
The Postman
I am in awe of the postmen who, no matter what the weather, insist on delivering the mail while wearing shorts. Unbelievably, there are several golfers at my club who also wear shorts while playing winter golf. I believe these individuals need therapy! They usually also eschew the wearing of any form of head gear.
The Unprepared
This is the golfer who turns up wearing a polo top and V-neck jersey and a pair of summer trousers and then wonders why on earth he (it is always a man) comes off the 18th green shivering from head to toe.
The Electric Blanket
I laughed when I bowled up to play with a senior golfer recently and realised he was wearing a gilet - a HEATED gilet. We all made fun of him as we waited to tee off. But he was the one who had the last laugh when we finished playing because he was the only member of our Thursday group who wasn’t cold. And guess what? I now own a heated gilet. Bliss!
The Tea Cosy
Most golfers normally wear baseball caps on the golf course but the winter months bring a whole series of unusual headwear out of hibernation. I own a sensible Titleist woollen contraption that keeps my head and ears warm and I know that it is not especially flattering but it is as nothing when compared with some of the stuff that my fellow golfers stick on their heads. The one that always stops me in my tracks is the deer-stalker-like head gear that covers their ears and chin!
The Tee Caddy
Putting tees in the ground during a freezing cold winter’s day can be a challenge, and that is why I always carry plenty of broken wooden tees. But I play with somebody who has a series of brightly-coloured rubber tees of various heights that are all tied together with string on what looks like a tent peg that he plants in the ground so they don’t get lost!
The Christmas Gifts
We all know one of these. In fact, many of us may be one. Our families, stuck for ideas over the Christmas period, fill our stockings with every piece of winter clothing known to man and woman - huge thermal gloves (yep, I’ve got a pair of them), thermal long johns (check), thermal tops (ditto), thermal socks (ditto).
The Michelin Man
In case you don’t know, the Michelin Man is a massive character created by the manufacturer of Michelin tyres. He is somebody who is never going to feel the cold. And there are many of them at every golf club in the land. This is the golfer who has read that the only way to keep warm in the winter is to wear lots of layers. So he dons a thermal undergarment, thermal long johns, a polo top, a hoodie, a gilet, trousers, thermal socks, thermal gloves, waterproof trousers, waterproof top - and then realises that he is wearing so many clothes that it is nearly impossible to swing a golf club.
The Cleaner
I don’t know how this one works. When I come off the course at this time of year, the bottoms of my trousers are filthy, the wheels of my trolley are caked in mud and my clubs are dirty, even though I wipe them with a towel after every shot. But there is always somebody in our group who finishes his round as spotlessly clean as when he stepped on to the first tee. How does he do that?
The Moaner
I don’t know about you, but I am just thankful to be able to get out there during the winter. But there is always going to be somebody for whom nothing is going to keep him happy. The fairways are too wet! The sub-zero conditions mean that the fairways are too hard! The greens do not run true! The bunkers are like concrete! He hates the temporary greens! Why do we have to use temporary tees! And don’t get him started on the use of winter mats! The rough is too thick and wet! The leaves that have fallen from the trees have not been cleared properly! On and on it goes. And when you get up to leave the clubhouse he is always the first to say: "Same time next week?" Bizarre!
The Fairweather Golfer
This is the guy who tells you he will be there for your 8am tee-time but gets up, looks out the window, sees a bit of frost on the ground and phones you to tell you a) he has a streaming cold, b) his wife is not well, c) his car won’t start, d) he’s just remembered that he has a hospital appointment. And then heads straight back to his warm bed.
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