One of The Funniest Golf Books Ever Written

WHEN was the last time you read a decent golf book? Have you ever a decent golf book? The harsh reality is that our sport is not terribly well served in the literary department.

And most of them are terribly earnest and serious. I have said on many occasions that golf should be fun, especially at club level.

So do yourself a favour and get a copy of Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three, The Unexpurgated Golf Letters of Mortimer Merriweather, penned by Clive Agran.

Agran is a freelance golf writer and this book is a little gem.

It is a series of imaginary letters penned by Merriweather to an assortment of individuals and organisations. And it is hilarious, seriously laugh out loud from start to finish.

It is quite clear that Agran does not take himself too seriously and that he had a ball when writing this book.

Let me give you a few examples.

The first “letter” is written to the British Trust for Ornithology and concerns the terminology used for scoring. 

He writes: “One below par is a birdie, two below par is an eagle and three below par is an albatross. Bogey is not a particularly nice word but it’s the one used to describe a score of one over par.

“There is clearly scope for a more imaginative nomenclature here. Having given it a great deal of thought, I have come to the conclusion that one-over par, which is presently a bogey, should instead be called a partridge. I like it for two principal reasons: 1) It’s just a bit more than par. In facet, it’s a ‘tridge’ more than par. And 2) It will enable players who score four on a short hole to say: ‘I had a partridge on the par three’, which I think will cause much merriment.”

He goes on to suggest that a double-bogey should instead be a “Great Tit”, a triple bogey becomes a “Shag’, a quadruple bogey becomes a ‘Ruddy Duck’, and a quintuple bogey becomes a ‘Fluffy-backed Tit Babbler’.

There is a letter to Colin Montgomerie asking him to stop being so grumpy. Wouldn’t most of you want to do that for real? 

He writes: “When was the last time Mrs M said: ‘Colin, you’re not off playing golf again! You played Thursday, Friday and yesterday and now you want to play on Sunday as well?’”

In a missive to Lewis Hamilton, our hero complains about the pace of play and asks for Hamilton’s support in a campaign to increase the speed of golf buggies to 50mph.

The Principal Trainer of Sniffer Dogs is asked to consider the possibility of retraining retired dogs to sniff out golf balls. Merriweather works out that it would take as dog 30 seconds to locate a lost ball and would be able to recover 1,200 per day. 

“Since a quality golf ball is worth about 50p that means a decent dog could earn its handler about £600 a day or £3,000 for a five-day week. Allowing for two weeks holiday a year that’s £150,000 per annum less, say, £250 for dog food, which leaves £149,750. Would I be correct in thinking that you would be only too happy to let one of your retiring hounds go to a caring home for free?”

Brighten up your day by treating yourself to a copy of this wonderful book.

Two Ruddy Ducks and a Partridge on a Par Three, The Unexpurgated Golf Letters of Mortimer Merriweather published by Merlin Unwin Books and costs £9.99.

The book is also available from Amazon and WHS Smith.