10 Characters You Will Meet in The Golf Club Bar

At the heart of every good golf club lies the clubhouse. It is where we all gather after playing 18 holes to share stories, enjoy a drink and a bite to eat.

And, inevitably, inside every clubhouse you will come across a variety of characters, some of whom you enjoy spending time with, others you will probably want to avoid at all costs.

I have visited more clubhouses than I care to remember and have come across all sorts of individuals. Here are just a few of them. I wonder if any of them ring any bells with you?

The Bon Viveur

You walk into the bar and, mostly, it is quiet, groups of two or three sitting chatting. But almost always there is one table where everybody is falling about laughing. At the centre of it is The Bon Viveur. No matter what anybody says, he has a witty retort. He cracks jokes endlessly. A word of caution - this is not somebody you want to actually play golf with because he is exactly the same on the course. You have a great time with him until you come off the 18th green and look at your scorecard and realise you have just recorded your worst ever score because you have spent four hours laughing and have not concentrated on a single shot.

The Merchant of Doom 

I have only become aware of this one as I have grown older. This is the guy who has either suffered every condition known to man or knows somebody who has. Somebody in your group starts talking about a minor procedure they are waiting for. They have no concerns about it. None at all. And then they make the mistake of talking about it. And up he pipes; “Ooh, my best friend’s brother’s cousin’s sister’s third cousin had that procedure. Was never the same person again.” Somebody else is waiting for a knee operation. “I know somebody who never walked again after having that done.” On and on it goes. Eventually, you lose the will to live.

The Colonel

Every golf club has one. I call him The Colonel, but most of these people have never been anywhere near an army barracks. If your clubhouse has a leather armchair, this is where you will find him. He will be reading a copy of The Daily Telegraph, probably with a gin and tonic on the table beside him. He is immaculately dressed, always wears a shirt and tie, brogues. And here’s the thing - he never appears to talk to anybody and nobody has ever seen him on the golf course.

The Bore

This is one we all know - and wish we didn’t. They sit down with you - usually uninvited - and then proceeds to talk you through every shot of the round they have just played. When they realises that nobody is interested, they stand up, move to another table and starts all over again. This is also the person that NOBODY wants to play with.

The Car Salesperson

What is it with golf clubs and individuals who are obsessed with cars? It is all they want to talk about. I don’t know about you but I really have no interest whatsoever in knowing the horsepower, fuel consumption and retail price of a Porsche 911, a car I will never be able to afford. And I really don’t want to know that the automatic gearbox in a Mini may not be all that it is cracked up to be. All I need to know is that my car boot is big enough to fit my golf clubs without me having to first remove my driver three wood and five wood. And guess what? I checked that out all by myself before I bought my car!

The Know-It-All

He has been in your ear for 18 holes and when you get back to the clubhouse he starts all over again. “You are standing too close to the ball.” “You should widen your stance.” “I know how you can stop slicing the ball.” “I think you might have a bit of reverse pivot going on there Derek.” On and on it goes. His handicap? 24!

The Golfing Encyclopedia

You are in the clubhouse watching The Open, and in they come. Rory McIlroy is on the screen and off they go, telling you how long it is since the Northern Irishman last won a major, how many tournaments he has won on the PGA Tour, how much prize money he has won, how much his TaylorMade contract is worth. For goodness sake - NOBODY CARES! Just leave us alone to enjoy the golf. But they don't!

The Miser

Your fourball have come off the course and headed to the locker-room to freshen up, perhaps have a shower and get changed. You get yourself sorted out and walk to the bar and, yes, he has gone missing again. There is always somebody who is reluctant to pull their weight when it comes to buying rounds of drinks and they will pull every trick in the book to avoid doing so. If he thinks that he might be ready before you he will find an excuse to go to his car and waste a bit of time until he is sure that you will be in the clubhouse. Worse than that is this trick…”It must be my round boys. Four coffees?” Erm, no, I want a pint of Guinness, but I don’t get a choice. Or…”It must be my round boys. Beers for everybody?” He then orders four pints and starts fumbling around. You know what’s coming next, and he never fails to deliver: “You are not going to believe this - I have come out without my wallet.”

Mr Sweaty

Mr Sweaty? Oh come on, we all know a few of these. This is the guy who comes off the course on a sweltering hot summer’s day and hasn’t brought a change of clothes. Or dons the cheap waterproofs, sweats like a hot shower underneath, and then heads straight to the bar. And is usually left sitting on his own!

The Handicap Secretary

They are not actually the handicap secretary but believe that they should be - and they know the handicap system backwards, sideways and every ways possible. And they drone on and on about the rights and wrong of the entire system to an audience whose eyes have long since glazed over. 

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