Is This Really The Grumpiest Golfer in Britain

Hands up! In 2024 I told you that I was determined not to become a grumpy golfer. Well, I am sorry to say that I have finally succumbed.

I am now turning into a grumpy golfer - and I don’t like it. I also have to say that many of the people I play the game with are equally as grumpy as I am. The common denominator appears to be our age. We are all senior golfers. Senior grumpy golfers!

So what have we got to complain about? What makes me grumpy?

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Where to start?

I am a night owl, always have been. It has a lot to do with my job as a production journalist, which involved working to nightly deadlines. I routinely finished work after midnight and found it impossible to go straight to bed so got into the habit of staying up until around 2am. And it is a habit that I have found difficult to break.

So why is it that the senior section at my golf club forces me to be on the first tee at around 8am every Tuesday? It makes me very grumpy - and I have told them so. I have even tried to persuade the committee to look at sending us out a bit later. Turns out that nobody else minds early starts. And that makes me even grumpier!

I set my alarm for some ungodly hour but am always awake before it goes off. Am I the only one who worries about an alarm going off while knowing perfectly well that of course it will? I almost never sleep properly the night before I play golf. This has only started since I retired. And it makes me very grumpy.

I play a lot of team golf, which involves travelling to golf clubs that are scattered all over Norfolk. Why is it that I am required to be at those courses by 8am for a 9am start? I should point out that at least three of these clubs involve a journey of the thick end of 50 miles, which means having to leaving home by 7am. 

And because I absolutely hate turning up anywhere late it means I have been clambering into my car at 6.30am. I need at least an hour to gather my senses, so that means getting up at 5.30am - and sometimes even earlier than that. Just in case you are wondering, at this time of year it is broad daylight at 5.30am. 

Everybody who takes part in these matches is retired, so why on earth can’t we tee off a little later? It would make me a lot less grumpy.

And then I am reminded by teammates that these matches cost £15-£25. For that, we get coffeee on arrival, 18 holes of golf and a meal afterwards. And if we are playing an away match then our opponents are expected to buy us a drink. In truth, it is an absolute no-brainer. But why so early?

Oh yes, nearly forgot this one. This makes me REALLY grumpy. So I have dragged myself out of bed for an 8.10am tee time and arrive at 7.30am and one of my playing partners breezes up to the first tee at 8.09am. And then crushes his opening drive after watching me top mine!

Then there are the conversations that take place after a round a golf. It is very different when you are a senior. Back in the day, we used to discuss the new car we were thinking of buying, our jobs, our holidays, our other hobbies. We would have a couple of pints of beer.

Now? The conversation revolves entirely around hip replacements, new knees, bad backs, medication, forthcoming hospital and doctor’s appointments. Washed down with a tea or coffee. And everybody is grumpy. But, as I keep reminding them (and myself), it is a damn sight better than the alternative.

I find myself complaining about how difficult it is to fit in all the rounds that I am expected to play. 

Who was it that forced me to enter the annual singles, the pairs knockout and the mixed pairs knockout? Oh yes, that was my own decision. Seemed like a good idea at the time - until you get in touch with your opponents and realise what busy lives all retired people seem to have and it is nearly impossible to find a time and date that works for everybody. And when we do find a mutually convenient date, I am told that we are teeing off at 7.30am. Grrrrrumpy!

I find myself visiting other golf clubs and moaning incessantly about things such as the condition of the course, the weather (too hot, too cold, too wet, too windy), the cost of a pint of beer, the quality of the food. 

Before visiting those courses I check them out on their websites - and that makes me grumpy too. Trying to navigate my way around some golf club websites is well nigh impossible, so clunky, slow and outdated are they. And then I get even grumpier when I find out how much money they want to relieve me of for the "pleasure" of playing their golf course. And how hard it is to book a tee-time.

I bought a new car last year. Why on earth did nobody tell me to ensure that my clubs and trolley would fit in the boot? They don’t, of course, so my clubs have to go on the back seat. And that makes Mrs C very grumpy because the back seat gets dirty.

I am a huge fan of Maja Stark, the Swedish golfer. I wanted to watch her win the recent Women’s US Open but the pace of play drove me to the edge of distraction so I grumpily switched off the TV and went to bed. I have repeatedly done the same thing with the PGA Tour. The better part of six hours to play 18 holes should make EVERYBODY grumpy.

I get grumpiest of all about slow play at my own golf club. 

I hate that I have now accepted that 18 holes is going to take me at least five hours to complete. And then I get into the clubhouse and discover that everybody else is also grumpy about the pace of play they have just endured. Erm, so if we all hate slow play then why aren’t we doing something about it? It would make us all far less grumpy. 

Trust me, I don’t want to be Britain’s grumpiest golfer. But I rather fear that I am...

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