I have witnessed many things on the golf course that have left me open-mouthed - dreadful behaviour, flagrant breaking of the rules, foul language. There are some things I have done of which I am not especially proud.
It got me thinking about the things I have never done and would never do.
So, without further ado…
Hit the ball into a grandstand and been given free relief without finding my ball
I was staggered to see Scottie Scheffler hit a dreadful second shot at the 17th hole at Royal Birkdale that saw his ball disappear somewhere into the giant hospitality and then be given a free drop even though nobody knew where his ball had finished.
Hit a 400-yard drive
I have driven several par fours measuring in excess of 300 yards and, with the help of rock-hard fairways, I have even stretched the odd one out to 350 yards. But 400 yards is beyond my wildest dreams.
Willingly used a buggy
I believe that, if you can, then a golf course is there to be walked. And that is why I am not a fan of playing in America, where most clubs insist that you take a buggy. Now you would think that this would speed up the pace of play, but this is America…
Taken five putts
I have, of course, three-putted, more times than I care to remember. I have also taken four putts a few times, usually as a result of sheer carelessness and frustration. But I have never five-putted. Yet!
Taken an alcoholic drink on the golf course
This is a hard enough game as it is so why on earth would anybody swig beer while playing? I do have one admission - during the winter I do carry a hip flask filled with Scotland’s finest export.
Thrown a club into a lake
I have watched in disbelief as players such as Rory McIlroy have tossed clubs into lakes after hitting a poor shot. I would never consider such a thing (knowing my luck, I would probably miss) but I have to pay for my clubs.
Deliberately improved my lie
Bryson DeChambeau was penalised two shots at Royal Birkdale for "inadvertently" improving his lie in the rough. Hand on heart, I can say I have never done such a thing.
Not shouted "fore" when ball heading towards other players (or spectators)
Nothing infuriates me more about the professional game than their reluctance to shout "fore" when a full-blooded drive is heading towards a group of spectators. I have been hit by a golf ball three times - and it hurts!
Called for a referee for a ruling
Chance would be a fine thing! In our world if we are in any doubt we consult our playing partners, reach a consensus and move on.
Not hit a provisional
If I hit a drive into trees or thick rough I ALWAYS hit a provisional. Why wouldn’t you?
Held anybody up
I was taught to be aware of what is going on around me at all times on the golf course. Is there anything worse than getting stuck behind a painfully slow group who simply refuse to wave you through?
Worn a collarless top
I have committed many fashion crimes on the course, but I simply refuse to wear a top without a collar. They should be reserved for the sunbed!
Had an albatross
I have been lucky enough to have had four holes in one. I have eagled several par fives and a few par fours. But an albatross has always eluded me.
Abused a caddie
I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times somebody has caddied for me but the deal was always that I would make my own club selection and shot choices. Verbally abusing a caddie is unforgivable.
In truth, there are many things on this list that I wouldn’t want to do. But I still live in hope that somehow, somewhere I might get a lucky bounce with a 40mph wind at my back and hit that elusive 400-yard drive.
